[It may seem like he's making excuses, but it's true. Ren wasn't fully in control of his emotions. His perception was heavily skewed, not unlike a Palace Ruler's.
It's a sobering thought, and his ears fold back at the mere thought.]
Still, I do appreciate it. Just know that I hardly begrudge you for actions made beyond your control.
I may not have been in my usual mood, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t still myself. I wasn’t possessed or brainwashed. The moon didn’t put thoughts in my head that weren’t already there.
[Which is one of the worst parts of that episode - Ren believes he should have been strong enough to keep holding those negative thoughts inside himself, buried deep where nobody else need know they exist. That’s how Ren has always done it, after all. He makes himself who he needs to be for other people, and nobody needs him to be insecure or self-critical.]
My mind wasn’t wiped of what you told me about your mother, either.
[Akechi may never have said the exact words to indicate he blamed himself for his mother’s death, but the hints he gave were enough for Ren to infer he might hold that belief. Calling himself a cursed child after explaining his mother’s outlook deteriorated after he’d been born was difficult to read any other way.
And that’s the other root of why Ren finds his behavior so reprehensible - he’d asked Akechi to kill him. And it seems to Ren like doing so is adjacent to Akechi’s past pain, like ripping a dagger through stitches that haven’t healed, and he genuinely feels sick for hurting this boy he loves so much in such a cruel manner, without even trying.]
[Akechi quiets while Ren speaks, but he doesn't move away. Instead, he steps closer, his face slightly downcast.]
There is a difference between the thoughts existing and the thoughts being amplified to the point of overtaking you. I'm hardly in a position to judge, especially when I implicitly asked you to do the same.
[However indirectly, the decision to face Maruki would have sealed his fate under normal circumstances. That he lived is nothing short of a miracle.]
It was different with Maruki. He was playing god, and you didn’t want to be controlled anymore.
[True, it would have amounted to Akechi’s death, had he not survived the engine room. Ren’s subconscious previously made it clear that he felt like choosing to honor his rival’s wishes amounted to killing him.
But that’s part of the overall issue here - Ren holding himself to impossibly high standards when he’s so quick to give anyone else grace and forgiveness. After all those times he’s encouraged Akechi to forgive himself for his past missteps, he can’t show himself the same compassion.]
Refusing Maruki’s deal was the right thing to do. For everyone.
[Ren shakes his head. He isn’t embarrassed by his feelings, and he doesn’t have much of a reputation to preserve, especially since his conviction. Sure, his friends respect him, and Ren doesn’t believe they’d think any less of him if he did choose to confide in them the same way they confide in him.
However.]
I don’t talk about things like what I said in the subway because they’re just not that important.
[He’s right. Objectively, Akechi is right in calling out Ren’s hypocrisy. Ren is silent for a moment, mouth pursed, then he shakes his head.]
It’s not the same. It’s …
[It’s because he’s different. Not special, but other. Even among his group of collected misfits, Ren still inherently doesn’t entirely fit in.]
I’m supposed to be so many things - obedient son, model student, supportive friend who listens and gives advice. A prisoner being “rehabilitated” so I can stop the oncoming ruin. I’m the Trickster who changes fate. Your rival. The Leader.
[He has had so much responsibility shoved onto his shoulders. Is it any wonder he neglects himself while caring for the rest of the world?]
I’m supposed to be the one who fixes problems. Not the one who complains about having them. Everyone needs me to be something, but nobody needs me to be …
[Ren frowns, struggling for a moment to find the right word, then throws up his hands and picks the one that feels like the best fit:]
[All of this is wrong, and Ren doesn’t understand how he managed to fuck up a simple apology so spectacularly. He anticipated Akechi being angry with him - justifiably so - for what he’d done in the subway. Ren didn’t expect this to be the thing that stirred Akechi’s ire.]
I’ve always been like this, Akechi. This isn’t some new development. How am I supposed to just forget something like that?
I never said you have to forget. Obviously, I'm still struggling with a myriad of my own issues. Clearly, this is deep seated. It's not something you can merely shake off.
[He stops to draw a slow, steady breath. In, then out. This is hardly the time to be fighting.]
But you don't have to face this alone, and you don't have to fix every problem. You can be selfish, if only slightly. You can choose for yourself and prioritize your needs.
[He’s allowed to be selfish. Oh, that would be almost funny if it weren’t so wrong. Ren huffs an angry, dry laugh and steps forward, right on up to Akechi, well within his reach if he were to decide to attack. In a way, Ren’s all but expressly daring the other boy to choose violence against him.]
You know what happens if I’m allowed to be selfish? [he hisses, eyes narrowed.] I take the deal.
[Maruki’s deal, to let him twist reality so everyone can live with perfect happiness.]
I betray your wishes. I take the deal, and I keep you alive, because that was what I wanted more than anything - you. Alive. With me.
[That was the wish Maruki recognized and actualized for him, after all. Ren’s voice begins to tremble as he continues.]
I wanted you in ways I didn’t even understand at the time, and I would have ruined both of us if I’d been even slightly selfish. You have no idea how hard it was to give you up when all I wanted was to keep you all to myself for the rest of our lives.
[This is it, he thinks. This is where Akechi finally sees who he really is and is so disgusted he leaves and never comes back. And Ren thinks he will deserve every ounce of heartache that comes after, because he dared to pursue what he wanted, just once.]
Though his tail thrashes even more and his ears fold back, he makes no move to attack.]
You didn't take the deal. I am alive, and I am right here. But it doesn't have to be a matter of extremes. I'm not saying to abandon all of your principles. All I am suggesting is that you give a damn about yourself instead of putting yourself last.
[Anyone with common sense and a shred of self-preservation would back off at such obvious body language signs of irritation. Unfortunately, this is Ren Amamiya; he not only stands his ground, he also reaches a hand up to place it on Akechi’s shoulder, moving in closer still.]
I don’t know how.
[What a truly pathetic thing to admit, but here Ren is, openly confessing to just how fundamentally broken he is. There’s no use keeping this hidden behind a mask anymore. Akechi has already seen so many awful secrets spill from his mouth onto the ground in those subway tunnels, what’s one more?]
If you know the secret for how to fix me, show me.
[They truly are so much alike. Akechi may believe he is inherently unworthy of love, but Ren thinks he needs to earn affection by making himself useful, by giving all he can and keeping nothing for himself. Either way, the resulting pieces missing from them both amount to very nearly the same thing.
Ren thinks he’s never felt so close to Akechi as he does in this moment. Support sounds so much better than being fixed; it’s the promise of partnership and an acknowledgement that they have both been broken by their world in similar places, but their damages are not irreparable. Ren deflates with a heavy sigh, and the tight compressing sensation in his chest shatters, like a padlock smashed open with a sledgehammer. His lips press into a thin line, and he nods.]
I love you so much, [he says, voice trembling again but no longer in anger. The hand on Akechi’s shoulder slides up to rest along the side of his neck, and Ren brushes his thumb over the line of Akechi’s jaw.]
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undyingcrow) wrote2025-02-27 10:46 am
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route666rp IC Inbox
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[And they do need to talk, clearly. A lot happened last month, taking its toll o n Ren.]
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I'll meet you outside the van.
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[He’s already there, in fact - leaning against the side of the van, staring down at his shoes, hands resting in his pockets. Waiting. Anxious.]
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So, what do you wish to discuss?
[He has his suspicions, but best to let Ren speak for himself.]
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[A really big one. Ren pushes off the side of the van and takes a few steps closer to Akechi, mouth pulled tight with worry.]
I want to apologize for what I did, back in the subway … it was inexcusable. And I’m very sorry.
[And Ren is so deeply sincere about it, Akechi’s getting an apology bow as well.]
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[It may seem like he's making excuses, but it's true. Ren wasn't fully in control of his emotions. His perception was heavily skewed, not unlike a Palace Ruler's.
It's a sobering thought, and his ears fold back at the mere thought.]
Still, I do appreciate it. Just know that I hardly begrudge you for actions made beyond your control.
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[Ren straightens, shaking his head.]
I may not have been in my usual mood, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t still myself. I wasn’t possessed or brainwashed. The moon didn’t put thoughts in my head that weren’t already there.
[Which is one of the worst parts of that episode - Ren believes he should have been strong enough to keep holding those negative thoughts inside himself, buried deep where nobody else need know they exist. That’s how Ren has always done it, after all. He makes himself who he needs to be for other people, and nobody needs him to be insecure or self-critical.]
My mind wasn’t wiped of what you told me about your mother, either.
[Akechi may never have said the exact words to indicate he blamed himself for his mother’s death, but the hints he gave were enough for Ren to infer he might hold that belief. Calling himself a cursed child after explaining his mother’s outlook deteriorated after he’d been born was difficult to read any other way.
And that’s the other root of why Ren finds his behavior so reprehensible - he’d asked Akechi to kill him. And it seems to Ren like doing so is adjacent to Akechi’s past pain, like ripping a dagger through stitches that haven’t healed, and he genuinely feels sick for hurting this boy he loves so much in such a cruel manner, without even trying.]
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There is a difference between the thoughts existing and the thoughts being amplified to the point of overtaking you. I'm hardly in a position to judge, especially when I implicitly asked you to do the same.
[However indirectly, the decision to face Maruki would have sealed his fate under normal circumstances. That he lived is nothing short of a miracle.]
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[True, it would have amounted to Akechi’s death, had he not survived the engine room. Ren’s subconscious previously made it clear that he felt like choosing to honor his rival’s wishes amounted to killing him.
But that’s part of the overall issue here - Ren holding himself to impossibly high standards when he’s so quick to give anyone else grace and forgiveness. After all those times he’s encouraged Akechi to forgive himself for his past missteps, he can’t show himself the same compassion.]
Refusing Maruki’s deal was the right thing to do. For everyone.
[Well. Maybe not everyone. Almost everyone.]
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[What happened there... clearly, it was the culmination of many repressed emotions. Amplified, perhaps, but still true.
Moving closer, he watches Ren closely for the subtle tells and shifts in his demeanor.
He's... not good at this, obviously, but he's trying.]
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[Ren shakes his head. He isn’t embarrassed by his feelings, and he doesn’t have much of a reputation to preserve, especially since his conviction. Sure, his friends respect him, and Ren doesn’t believe they’d think any less of him if he did choose to confide in them the same way they confide in him.
However.]
I don’t talk about things like what I said in the subway because they’re just not that important.
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You believe your feelings are irrelevant. I beg to differ.
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Why are you so upset about this?
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[His lips curl into a bit of a snarl, giving just a glimpse at those sharp, pointy teeth.]
You go on and on about how my feelings matter and how much you value me, yet you can't even extend the same courtesy to yourself.
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It’s not the same. It’s …
[It’s because he’s different. Not special, but other. Even among his group of collected misfits, Ren still inherently doesn’t entirely fit in.]
I’m supposed to be so many things - obedient son, model student, supportive friend who listens and gives advice. A prisoner being “rehabilitated” so I can stop the oncoming ruin. I’m the Trickster who changes fate. Your rival. The Leader.
[He has had so much responsibility shoved onto his shoulders. Is it any wonder he neglects himself while caring for the rest of the world?]
I’m supposed to be the one who fixes problems. Not the one who complains about having them. Everyone needs me to be something, but nobody needs me to be …
[Ren frowns, struggling for a moment to find the right word, then throws up his hands and picks the one that feels like the best fit:]
Normal.
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[He growls his words, tail thrashing in further agitation.]
You're always trying to reassure me, yet here you are, so focused on what others need when the people who matter clearly value you for who you are.
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[All of this is wrong, and Ren doesn’t understand how he managed to fuck up a simple apology so spectacularly. He anticipated Akechi being angry with him - justifiably so - for what he’d done in the subway. Ren didn’t expect this to be the thing that stirred Akechi’s ire.]
I’ve always been like this, Akechi. This isn’t some new development. How am I supposed to just forget something like that?
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[He stops to draw a slow, steady breath. In, then out. This is hardly the time to be fighting.]
But you don't have to face this alone, and you don't have to fix every problem. You can be selfish, if only slightly. You can choose for yourself and prioritize your needs.
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You know what happens if I’m allowed to be selfish? [he hisses, eyes narrowed.] I take the deal.
[Maruki’s deal, to let him twist reality so everyone can live with perfect happiness.]
I betray your wishes. I take the deal, and I keep you alive, because that was what I wanted more than anything - you. Alive. With me.
[That was the wish Maruki recognized and actualized for him, after all. Ren’s voice begins to tremble as he continues.]
I wanted you in ways I didn’t even understand at the time, and I would have ruined both of us if I’d been even slightly selfish. You have no idea how hard it was to give you up when all I wanted was to keep you all to myself for the rest of our lives.
[This is it, he thinks. This is where Akechi finally sees who he really is and is so disgusted he leaves and never comes back. And Ren thinks he will deserve every ounce of heartache that comes after, because he dared to pursue what he wanted, just once.]
Still think that’s sound advice?
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[Damn it! Why must Ren be so difficult?
Though his tail thrashes even more and his ears fold back, he makes no move to attack.]
You didn't take the deal. I am alive, and I am right here. But it doesn't have to be a matter of extremes. I'm not saying to abandon all of your principles. All I am suggesting is that you give a damn about yourself instead of putting yourself last.
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I don’t know how.
[What a truly pathetic thing to admit, but here Ren is, openly confessing to just how fundamentally broken he is. There’s no use keeping this hidden behind a mask anymore. Akechi has already seen so many awful secrets spill from his mouth onto the ground in those subway tunnels, what’s one more?]
If you know the secret for how to fix me, show me.
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It's painfully reflective of his own struggles. Like a mirror.
How poetic, heh...]
If I knew, I wouldn't be half the mess I am.
[He takes a shorter, shallower breath.]
I can't "fix" you... but I can support you. It's only fair.
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Ren thinks he’s never felt so close to Akechi as he does in this moment. Support sounds so much better than being fixed; it’s the promise of partnership and an acknowledgement that they have both been broken by their world in similar places, but their damages are not irreparable. Ren deflates with a heavy sigh, and the tight compressing sensation in his chest shatters, like a padlock smashed open with a sledgehammer. His lips press into a thin line, and he nods.]
I love you so much, [he says, voice trembling again but no longer in anger. The hand on Akechi’s shoulder slides up to rest along the side of his neck, and Ren brushes his thumb over the line of Akechi’s jaw.]
Do you think someday you might forgive me?
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You say that as though you've done anything that requires forgiveness to begin with.
[Affirmations, love... One day, perhaps he'll believe he's worthy of such affections. As it stands, it's still so daunting...
Though, perhaps less so than before.]
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cw for implied sa mention
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cw well past suggestive but tryna be tactful
VERY WELL PAST SUGGESTIVE CW for what they're talking about, haha
at least they're talking about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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back to cw city for more than suggestive and ren’s bad brain i’m sorry
TEENAGERS SURE ARE... teenagers.
THEY SURE ARE … cw above the belt touching
THESE DUMBASSES... but we will FTB/timeskip accordingly xD
iiiiit's showtime~
obligatory emotional ftb/timeskip goes here xD