[All of this is wrong, and Ren doesn’t understand how he managed to fuck up a simple apology so spectacularly. He anticipated Akechi being angry with him - justifiably so - for what he’d done in the subway. Ren didn’t expect this to be the thing that stirred Akechi’s ire.]
I’ve always been like this, Akechi. This isn’t some new development. How am I supposed to just forget something like that?
I never said you have to forget. Obviously, I'm still struggling with a myriad of my own issues. Clearly, this is deep seated. It's not something you can merely shake off.
[He stops to draw a slow, steady breath. In, then out. This is hardly the time to be fighting.]
But you don't have to face this alone, and you don't have to fix every problem. You can be selfish, if only slightly. You can choose for yourself and prioritize your needs.
[He’s allowed to be selfish. Oh, that would be almost funny if it weren’t so wrong. Ren huffs an angry, dry laugh and steps forward, right on up to Akechi, well within his reach if he were to decide to attack. In a way, Ren’s all but expressly daring the other boy to choose violence against him.]
You know what happens if I’m allowed to be selfish? [he hisses, eyes narrowed.] I take the deal.
[Maruki’s deal, to let him twist reality so everyone can live with perfect happiness.]
I betray your wishes. I take the deal, and I keep you alive, because that was what I wanted more than anything - you. Alive. With me.
[That was the wish Maruki recognized and actualized for him, after all. Ren’s voice begins to tremble as he continues.]
I wanted you in ways I didn’t even understand at the time, and I would have ruined both of us if I’d been even slightly selfish. You have no idea how hard it was to give you up when all I wanted was to keep you all to myself for the rest of our lives.
[This is it, he thinks. This is where Akechi finally sees who he really is and is so disgusted he leaves and never comes back. And Ren thinks he will deserve every ounce of heartache that comes after, because he dared to pursue what he wanted, just once.]
Though his tail thrashes even more and his ears fold back, he makes no move to attack.]
You didn't take the deal. I am alive, and I am right here. But it doesn't have to be a matter of extremes. I'm not saying to abandon all of your principles. All I am suggesting is that you give a damn about yourself instead of putting yourself last.
[Anyone with common sense and a shred of self-preservation would back off at such obvious body language signs of irritation. Unfortunately, this is Ren Amamiya; he not only stands his ground, he also reaches a hand up to place it on Akechi’s shoulder, moving in closer still.]
I don’t know how.
[What a truly pathetic thing to admit, but here Ren is, openly confessing to just how fundamentally broken he is. There’s no use keeping this hidden behind a mask anymore. Akechi has already seen so many awful secrets spill from his mouth onto the ground in those subway tunnels, what’s one more?]
If you know the secret for how to fix me, show me.
[They truly are so much alike. Akechi may believe he is inherently unworthy of love, but Ren thinks he needs to earn affection by making himself useful, by giving all he can and keeping nothing for himself. Either way, the resulting pieces missing from them both amount to very nearly the same thing.
Ren thinks he’s never felt so close to Akechi as he does in this moment. Support sounds so much better than being fixed; it’s the promise of partnership and an acknowledgement that they have both been broken by their world in similar places, but their damages are not irreparable. Ren deflates with a heavy sigh, and the tight compressing sensation in his chest shatters, like a padlock smashed open with a sledgehammer. His lips press into a thin line, and he nods.]
I love you so much, [he says, voice trembling again but no longer in anger. The hand on Akechi’s shoulder slides up to rest along the side of his neck, and Ren brushes his thumb over the line of Akechi’s jaw.]
Haven’t I? I made you angry. And I … I feel like I hurt you, and that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.
[Ren’s not good at letting a problem sit unresolved. They’re both now calmer at least, no longer arguing, but the balance between them is still wrong. It’s Ren’s fault, so he needs to make it right. The question now is how, and that answer isn’t presenting itself.]
What can I do to make amends?
[I don’t want to lose you, he thinks, with a worried frown, and the depth of that truth makes his heart beat unsteadily and his throat tight with fear.]
[Akechi may not believe he has any skill at comforting, but what he has to offer by virtue of who he is is already more than enough for Ren. They’re rivals, alike in so many ways and intimately tangled up in each other; they both possess a deep, unique understanding of each other that can’t be equaled by anyone else. Not only is Akechi the only one here from their world, he is also the only one who challenges Ren, the only one who shoves past all of his masks to the truth at his center. Ren loves his Thieves and he knows they love him too, but none of them call him on his bullshit like Akechi does, and he needs that push to better himself, or he’ll only stagnate in those same comfortable habits of neglecting his own needs and ignoring his feelings and loving everyone but himself.
By nature of that intense familiarity they share, Akechi is really the only person Ren can show this level of vulnerability. It’s not that he’s intentionally and actively dishonest or manipulative with his friends - he is simply what they need him to be. He is a mirror for their expectations, and as he pointed out earlier, no one needs him to be normal. No one needs Ren to be the one they give their advice or ask what problems they can solve for him. They don’t ask, and neither does he.
But Akechi - his rival, his foil, his other half who knows him so well - wants Ren to practice what he preaches. And that’s fair. He wants Ren to care for himself the way he cares for others, and there’s a level of his own brand of caring in pushing Ren to do so.]
Would you stay with me?
[Ren cringes at how needy that sounds, how pathetic and weak his own words sound echoing in his ears. But … he’s trying. Voicing what he wants and needs is what Akechi wants him to do more of, right? The only thing Ren wants in this moment is to hold Akechi close, reassure both of them that the world they’ve begun to build together won’t end over these mistakes he’s made.]
I don’t think I could relax right now if I’m alone.
Thank you, [Ren murmurs, and manages a weak smile. A heavy, invisible weight lifts from his chest, and it’s not so difficult to breathe anymore.
He does want to rest inside the van - crawl into the comfort of its dark, cushioned interior and curl up like a cat next to his more-than-rival. Maybe they can forget the world outside for a while. Ren nods and drops his hand from the side of Akechi’s neck.]
Is it OK if I … ?
[He gently reaches for Akechi’s hand, hoping he’ll be allowed to twine their fingers together for the short distance to the door of the van.]
[Ren takes Akechi’s hand in both of his and holds it up so he can press a grateful kiss over his knuckles. With a hesitant smile, he nods and starts slowly backing up to lead them both toward the door of the van. Ren doesn’t take his eyes off Akechi until they reach the door, as if he’s afraid his more-than-rival will vanish the second he’s no longer in sight.
The back of the van is decidedly more comfortable after several scavenging trips in the last city, but it’s still more of a disorganized nest of cushions and blankets than a truly livable space. Ren hasn’t had much focus for organizing since his brain has been so occupied with screaming about his failures. Reluctantly, he releases Akechi’s hand to climb inside the van and attempt at getting settled.]
[Would Ren enjoy that? He remembers they talked about it a while back, and it seemed appealing. Just being allowed that level of closeness is a lot for Akechi to permit, much less suggest unprompted. Ren sits up from his pile of pillows with cautious interest.]
Hm. This is going to be more tedious with his wings. So, with a small sigh, he shifts into his nekomata form, horns and wings and talons giving way to more feline features.]
...It's more manageable this way.
[Once he sheds his blazer and shirt, he folds them and sets them aside for tomorrow's wash, but...
With another breath, it's back to his chimera form.]
[Ren watches Akechi’s transformations quietly, with rapt attention. The other boy holds so much power and seems to handle the shifts with such ease, and Ren can’t help thinking once again that it was so unfair Akechi didn’t receive the same guidance from the Velvet Room that he received. Even if it was an impostor pulling the strings of that puppet show, Ren can’t deny he still benefited from all he was given.]
[A ghost of a smile curves Ren’s lips, and he shakes his head.]
It’s my bias towards you.
[No one can ever accuse Ren of being impartial when it comes to Akechi. He sighs softly as he takes in the sight of his more-than-rival, feathers and sigil exposed and inviting.]
Do you want to see mine?
[He has no feathers, but he does have a sigil, even though he still doesn’t know what it means.]
Ren has been in this world for months without yet learning what he will become; he is no detective, and he hadn’t seen the need to seek out the significance of his sigil. Until recently, Ren believed it simply didn’t matter, that whatever shape into which the forces at work in this place saw fit to twist his body wouldn’t change the essence of who he is. Now, in light of recent events, Ren isn’t so certain. Although the effect that caused his ill-conceived outburst of self-loathing appears to have subsided, there’s no way of knowing if it will return again.
How will he live with himself if the monster he’s forced to become doesn’t care about hurting the people he loves? Or worse - what if he becomes something that enjoys inflicting pain?
But the offer to reveal his marking has been made, and if anyone deserves to know what’s in store for Ren, it’s Akechi. Trepidation wraps pythonesque around his chest. Ren can’t imagine Akechi won’t immediately recognize the shape of his sigil. He nods silently, then shrugs out of the short-sleeve button-up shirt layer and sets it aside. The glasses are gently pulled off his face next, folded and carefully set in a safe corner. Finally, Ren pulls the plain T-shirt over his head, further ruffling his already-unruly hair, and moves in closer to Akechi.
It’s silly, Ren thinks, to be nervous about this. They’ve seen each other unclothed before. But it was different at the bathhouse - there’d been moments of intimacy then, but they’d seemed stumbled upon, accidental. This time, the closeness between them is intentional, and he swallows hard against the beat of his heart resting high in his throat before tapping a finger at the mark on his chest, placed over his heart - a figure resembling a halo with wings.]
So, [he asks, with a thin smile,] what’s my diagnosis?
[At such a short distance, even in the dim light, Akechi may be able to spot other faint marks scattered across Ren’s skin, scars earned from innumerable Metaverse battles. Wounds obtained in the cognitive realm are never as severe in the real world, but some do still persist, even after a spell or trinket has been used to heal them.
The most notable of Ren’s scars were acquired in a different sort of battle, though. A thin, darker line circles around each of his wrists where months ago, a pair of handcuffs once scraped his skin raw.]
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undyingcrow) wrote2025-02-27 10:46 am
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[He growls his words, tail thrashing in further agitation.]
You're always trying to reassure me, yet here you are, so focused on what others need when the people who matter clearly value you for who you are.
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[All of this is wrong, and Ren doesn’t understand how he managed to fuck up a simple apology so spectacularly. He anticipated Akechi being angry with him - justifiably so - for what he’d done in the subway. Ren didn’t expect this to be the thing that stirred Akechi’s ire.]
I’ve always been like this, Akechi. This isn’t some new development. How am I supposed to just forget something like that?
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[He stops to draw a slow, steady breath. In, then out. This is hardly the time to be fighting.]
But you don't have to face this alone, and you don't have to fix every problem. You can be selfish, if only slightly. You can choose for yourself and prioritize your needs.
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You know what happens if I’m allowed to be selfish? [he hisses, eyes narrowed.] I take the deal.
[Maruki’s deal, to let him twist reality so everyone can live with perfect happiness.]
I betray your wishes. I take the deal, and I keep you alive, because that was what I wanted more than anything - you. Alive. With me.
[That was the wish Maruki recognized and actualized for him, after all. Ren’s voice begins to tremble as he continues.]
I wanted you in ways I didn’t even understand at the time, and I would have ruined both of us if I’d been even slightly selfish. You have no idea how hard it was to give you up when all I wanted was to keep you all to myself for the rest of our lives.
[This is it, he thinks. This is where Akechi finally sees who he really is and is so disgusted he leaves and never comes back. And Ren thinks he will deserve every ounce of heartache that comes after, because he dared to pursue what he wanted, just once.]
Still think that’s sound advice?
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[Damn it! Why must Ren be so difficult?
Though his tail thrashes even more and his ears fold back, he makes no move to attack.]
You didn't take the deal. I am alive, and I am right here. But it doesn't have to be a matter of extremes. I'm not saying to abandon all of your principles. All I am suggesting is that you give a damn about yourself instead of putting yourself last.
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I don’t know how.
[What a truly pathetic thing to admit, but here Ren is, openly confessing to just how fundamentally broken he is. There’s no use keeping this hidden behind a mask anymore. Akechi has already seen so many awful secrets spill from his mouth onto the ground in those subway tunnels, what’s one more?]
If you know the secret for how to fix me, show me.
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It's painfully reflective of his own struggles. Like a mirror.
How poetic, heh...]
If I knew, I wouldn't be half the mess I am.
[He takes a shorter, shallower breath.]
I can't "fix" you... but I can support you. It's only fair.
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Ren thinks he’s never felt so close to Akechi as he does in this moment. Support sounds so much better than being fixed; it’s the promise of partnership and an acknowledgement that they have both been broken by their world in similar places, but their damages are not irreparable. Ren deflates with a heavy sigh, and the tight compressing sensation in his chest shatters, like a padlock smashed open with a sledgehammer. His lips press into a thin line, and he nods.]
I love you so much, [he says, voice trembling again but no longer in anger. The hand on Akechi’s shoulder slides up to rest along the side of his neck, and Ren brushes his thumb over the line of Akechi’s jaw.]
Do you think someday you might forgive me?
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You say that as though you've done anything that requires forgiveness to begin with.
[Affirmations, love... One day, perhaps he'll believe he's worthy of such affections. As it stands, it's still so daunting...
Though, perhaps less so than before.]
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[Ren’s not good at letting a problem sit unresolved. They’re both now calmer at least, no longer arguing, but the balance between them is still wrong. It’s Ren’s fault, so he needs to make it right. The question now is how, and that answer isn’t presenting itself.]
What can I do to make amends?
[I don’t want to lose you, he thinks, with a worried frown, and the depth of that truth makes his heart beat unsteadily and his throat tight with fear.]
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[He isn't like Ren. He can't pull miracles out of a hat. Comforting isn't in his blood...
It hurt, obviously, but it's hardly the worst pain he endured in his life.]
Right now, you should... relax, I suppose. Give yourself space to breathe. I will be here.
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By nature of that intense familiarity they share, Akechi is really the only person Ren can show this level of vulnerability. It’s not that he’s intentionally and actively dishonest or manipulative with his friends - he is simply what they need him to be. He is a mirror for their expectations, and as he pointed out earlier, no one needs him to be normal. No one needs Ren to be the one they give their advice or ask what problems they can solve for him. They don’t ask, and neither does he.
But Akechi - his rival, his foil, his other half who knows him so well - wants Ren to practice what he preaches. And that’s fair. He wants Ren to care for himself the way he cares for others, and there’s a level of his own brand of caring in pushing Ren to do so.]
Would you stay with me?
[Ren cringes at how needy that sounds, how pathetic and weak his own words sound echoing in his ears. But … he’s trying. Voicing what he wants and needs is what Akechi wants him to do more of, right? The only thing Ren wants in this moment is to hold Akechi close, reassure both of them that the world they’ve begun to build together won’t end over these mistakes he’s made.]
I don’t think I could relax right now if I’m alone.
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[His lungs slowly inflate with a quiet breath, and he inches closer.]
Do you want to take this inside?
[It might be more comfortable, perhaps, particularly in light of all the supplies they'd gathered in the city.]
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He does want to rest inside the van - crawl into the comfort of its dark, cushioned interior and curl up like a cat next to his more-than-rival. Maybe they can forget the world outside for a while. Ren nods and drops his hand from the side of Akechi’s neck.]
Is it OK if I … ?
[He gently reaches for Akechi’s hand, hoping he’ll be allowed to twine their fingers together for the short distance to the door of the van.]
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[Here, he'll even offer his left hand. Ren needs it right now; there's little sense in responding with sass.]
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The back of the van is decidedly more comfortable after several scavenging trips in the last city, but it’s still more of a disorganized nest of cushions and blankets than a truly livable space. Ren hasn’t had much focus for organizing since his brain has been so occupied with screaming about his failures. Reluctantly, he releases Akechi’s hand to climb inside the van and attempt at getting settled.]
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Instead, he'll settle for wiping them as best he can, then settling in the aforementioned pile of cushions and blankets.
A thought occurs to him. It's... stupid. Incredibly so, and yet...]
I suppose you'd enjoy feeling my feathers.
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Would that be OK?
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[Just give him a minute to shed his layers, or...
Hm. This is going to be more tedious with his wings. So, with a small sigh, he shifts into his nekomata form, horns and wings and talons giving way to more feline features.]
...It's more manageable this way.
[Once he sheds his blazer and shirt, he folds them and sets them aside for tomorrow's wash, but...
With another breath, it's back to his chimera form.]
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You never stop amazing me.
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[He flashes a smirk, staying in chimera form for now. Look at those floofy chest feathers and his sigil...]
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It’s my bias towards you.
[No one can ever accuse Ren of being impartial when it comes to Akechi. He sighs softly as he takes in the sight of his more-than-rival, feathers and sigil exposed and inviting.]
Do you want to see mine?
[He has no feathers, but he does have a sigil, even though he still doesn’t know what it means.]
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[He has been curious, admittedly. Not so curious as to pry, but curious all the same.
For now, he'll remain still, letting Ren move at his own pace.]
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Ren has been in this world for months without yet learning what he will become; he is no detective, and he hadn’t seen the need to seek out the significance of his sigil. Until recently, Ren believed it simply didn’t matter, that whatever shape into which the forces at work in this place saw fit to twist his body wouldn’t change the essence of who he is. Now, in light of recent events, Ren isn’t so certain. Although the effect that caused his ill-conceived outburst of self-loathing appears to have subsided, there’s no way of knowing if it will return again.
How will he live with himself if the monster he’s forced to become doesn’t care about hurting the people he loves? Or worse - what if he becomes something that enjoys inflicting pain?
But the offer to reveal his marking has been made, and if anyone deserves to know what’s in store for Ren, it’s Akechi. Trepidation wraps pythonesque around his chest. Ren can’t imagine Akechi won’t immediately recognize the shape of his sigil. He nods silently, then shrugs out of the short-sleeve button-up shirt layer and sets it aside. The glasses are gently pulled off his face next, folded and carefully set in a safe corner. Finally, Ren pulls the plain T-shirt over his head, further ruffling his already-unruly hair, and moves in closer to Akechi.
It’s silly, Ren thinks, to be nervous about this. They’ve seen each other unclothed before. But it was different at the bathhouse - there’d been moments of intimacy then, but they’d seemed stumbled upon, accidental. This time, the closeness between them is intentional, and he swallows hard against the beat of his heart resting high in his throat before tapping a finger at the mark on his chest, placed over his heart - a figure resembling a halo with wings.]
So, [he asks, with a thin smile,] what’s my diagnosis?
[At such a short distance, even in the dim light, Akechi may be able to spot other faint marks scattered across Ren’s skin, scars earned from innumerable Metaverse battles. Wounds obtained in the cognitive realm are never as severe in the real world, but some do still persist, even after a spell or trinket has been used to heal them.
The most notable of Ren’s scars were acquired in a different sort of battle, though. A thin, darker line circles around each of his wrists where months ago, a pair of handcuffs once scraped his skin raw.]
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An angel... Quite the choice.
[But that's hardly the important part. No, those scars, especially around the wrists, draw Akechi's razor sharp gaze.
A subtle wince overtakes him for the blink of an eye, ears folding back.]
...I let this happen.
[Another sign of his betrayal staring him in the face.]
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cw for implied sa mention
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cw well past suggestive but tryna be tactful
VERY WELL PAST SUGGESTIVE CW for what they're talking about, haha
at least they're talking about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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back to cw city for more than suggestive and ren’s bad brain i’m sorry
TEENAGERS SURE ARE... teenagers.
THEY SURE ARE … cw above the belt touching
THESE DUMBASSES... but we will FTB/timeskip accordingly xD
iiiiit's showtime~
obligatory emotional ftb/timeskip goes here xD