[It’s encouraging, Ren thinks, because it means Akechi isn’t going out of his way to avoid Haru, and he isn’t retreating into the darkness to brood on the past. He allows himself a tiny smile.]
I think you’ll like gardening. It’s peaceful … kind of like meditating, but you get to do stuff with your hands instead of just sitting still.
[Unless, of course, it’s not encouraging, because it means Akechi plans to beat himself up over the past by being around Haru. The evasiveness to his question is an old, worrisome habit, one Ren thought they’d moved past.
Gently, he adds:] You didn’t answer my question, though. Are you OK?
[Ren hums a quiet sound to signal his understanding. He knows Akechi struggles with this in general, and can only imagine the difficulty would be compounded when it comes to the girl whose father he killed.]
It feels kinda weird and wrong when people are kind to you, when you’re not used to it and don’t think you deserve it.
[Of course Ren’s experiences pale in comparison, but he too hesitated to accept friendship and kindness at the start of his year in Tokyo, followed as he was by the specter of his criminal record and the sharp, abrupt ostracization he faced in his hometown over the arrest and assault charges.]
Some people are kind for no other reason than they can be. Or they’re kind because they want to be different than the many people in the world who aren’t. Or, they fully understand that certain people have had to exist for too long in an unjust, unkind world, where they were manipulated and abused by the people who should’ve been taking care of them instead. So they’re kind because for them, that’s justice.
[Not to put too fine a point on it, of course. All of the Phantom Thieves came to better understand Akechi and his actions after the engine room in Shido’s Palace. If only Akechi could’ve heard the regrets they all expressed afterwards.]
You had a hard time accepting it when I first told you I love you - the first time, and a lot of times after that. But I haven’t had to argue my case in a while, right?
You've proven your sincerity, and we've had... time. Time to build our current status quo. Time for me to adjust my way of thinking.
[Though, truthfully, he does relax a little. Ren's words help ground him. Help cut through the irritatingly persistent doubts that cloud his mind in the moment.]
It's foolish. Why is it easier for me to accept love from someone I tried to kill than to accept the kindness of someone I orphaned? I suppose it's the permanence of the action. The fact that I succeeded.
I’m also prettier, [he says, lips curling into a goofy grin,] but don’t tell Haru I said that.
[A pillow to the face would be absolutely justified; that joke was terrible. But that’s another method Ren employs to ease tense situations - stupid jokes. Morgana had no idea how fitting Joker was for Ren’s code name when he suggested it.]
We had time before we got here, too. You were taking me on dates for months back in Tokyo - you getting to know me, your rival, while I was trying to figure you out. We already had a connection, but that took time to build.
Oh, wormed, [he practically purrs, grinning all over again.] I like that. Makes me sound like a proper phantom thief - a proper Trickster.
[And it earns Akechi a little kiss on his cute little nose. Which nose is he wearing at the moment? Doesn’t matter - to Ren, they’re all equally cute.]
Seriously though, that’s my point - it takes time. It did with me, and it can with Haru, if you let her. No one expects either of you to instantly become friends, or for you to instantly accept her kindness.
[Haru may not know what Akechi’s lived through as well as Ren does, but she surely knows enough to recognize how difficult it must be for him to accept kindness after a lifetime of being shown the opposite. Ren’s confident she will have the patience Akechi needs to adjust his way of thinking about her and himself over time. She’s a gardener, after all.]
Maybe … you could start with being teammates? We may not be changing hearts here, but we still all have a common goal.
[Ren hums quietly again, slipping into a moment of deep thought. Akechi’s right; raising the dead is a skill neither of them possess. But Ren thinks that may not be what Haru truly wants - after all, it’s what Maruki had to offer her in his false reality, and in the end, she rejected it.
Ren shuts his eyes with a small sigh, allowing his thumb to trace a slow, gentle half-circle back and forth on Akechi’s back - touch that’s meant to be reassuring.]
I think … maybe, how you atone is by living. Not in the shadows - out in the open. Doing as much good as you can with your days - not because it erases the past, nothing can do that - but because it’s the right thing to do.
[His eyes open again and he gives his more-than-rival a hint of a smile.]
That’s what I’d want from you, if I were in Haru’s position. And you’re already doing it.
[That’s right, Akechi, accept Ren’s love. Here, have another little kiss on the snoot, too.]
Will anything you do ever be enough for you?
[It’s said gently, but still meant to make a point. Akechi is, in many ways, his own harshest critic.]
I won’t pretend I have any way of grasping what it’s like for you to carry the weight of your past. But I love you, and I’ll help you carry it however I can, if you’ll let me.
[That is simultaneously the saddest thing Ren has ever heard Akechi say and deeply, uncomfortably relatable. Who is Ren Amamiya if he’s not what other people want him to be? How can he love himself if not as a reflection of how the people around him feel about him?
He pushes those thoughts away. Right now, he needs to focus on Akechi, not himself. His arm pulls a little tighter around the other boy - why can’t Ren fix this immense pain for him?]
[Emotions can be sticky, unpleasant things - they don’t respond to logic, and they can’t truly be controlled. Ren learned to manage his own by masking with jokes, by redirecting focus on others. He hasn’t forgotten their duel months ago where he tried to provoke Akechi to end his life instead of simply talking about how awful and worthless and empty he felt.
It’s hard to talk about emotions. But Akechi is trying - opening up to Ren, trusting him with those pieces of himself he’s kept guarded for so long. It makes Ren’s heart swell with affection for his more-than-rival.]
I love you. So much. I know it doesn’t make up for what you didn’t have for so long - I can’t change your past. But I love you now, and I’m going to keep loving you in the future. Doesn’t matter if it’s here, or back in Tokyo, or somewhere else entirely. No matter what we look like, no matter where we are, I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving you. Not even a god can change that.
[He could say something like “I can’t imagine my life without you,” and he almost does, but he actually doesn’t need to imagine it - he already experienced it, both times he thought Akechi was dead. And Ren was decidedly not a fan of that version of his life.
Akechi gets a forehead kiss now. It’s OK to be overwhelmed with being truly adored - processing happens with time.]
I’ll stay with you forever, if you’ll let me - grow old with you, make curry for you any time you want it …
[Is this starting to sound a bit like a marriage proposal? Hm, it might be.]
[It's easy to pick up on the implications. They aren't exactly subtle. Obviously, even in the event that they made it home unscathed, it wouldn't exactly be legal as anything more than a symbolic gesture.
They're both young. They've both lived through far more than anyone their age ought to.
Akechi... still struggles expressing softer, more sentimental feelings. That being said...]
I see no fault in such an arrangement.
[The others might, but that's neither here nor there. He can be greedy for now.]
[Ren smiles into placing another soft kiss on his forehead.]
You’d really be OK with marrying a former convicted criminal?
[The symbolic nature is the entire point, in Ren’s eyes. He isn’t thinking about legal implications as viewed by society, or economic benefits, or social standing in a community. None of that applies out here in this alien land - the point of such a gesture would be in binding himself to Akechi in a lasting manner, another way of proving his sincerity for remaining at Akechi’s side, regardless of circumstances.]
[He’s … mostly joking? Joking in the phrasing of the question, at least. For all the confidence Ren possesses, part of it is still something of a projection. And there is still the tiniest sliver of doubt in the very darkest corner of Ren’s mind that Akechi might decide at some point that he’s really not good enough after all and disappear without a word. That’s trauma, baybee!
But again, Ren pushes down his own insecurities, because Akechi is his focus, not himself. He keeps his tone light:]
Hm, that didn’t sound like a yes or a no. Let me try again.
[Once again, Ren brushes his lips against Akechi’s forehead, leaving a gentle kiss behind.]
[It's a difficult question to answer. One that makes his heart stop, his breath hitch, and his whole world freeze.
They're young. It's been less than a year since Ren declared his love. By all accounts this is moving incredibly fast, but... Hm.
Ren 'lost' him twice. Now they're here, stuck in a van that's developed a mind of its own, and facing an uncertain future. Their bodies have changed or are in the process of changing. They're lacking control in so many aspects of their lives.
But not this. It's a deeply personal choice.]
...Well, right now hardly seems like a practical time for it, but.
[...]
Eventually, I suppose. Preferably without being trapped in a rogue vehicle.
[They are both incredibly young, presumably still at the start of their lives. But they’ve also both been made to shoulder too much hardship and responsibility, face death and make impossible choices beyond their handful of years.
If they were still in their own world, this would be a move made entirely too fast, and Ren wouldn’t even consider asking such a question. The subject of marriage came up in discussion with the Phantom Thieves once, back in December, and he’d admitted to the desire to be married, in an abstract future someday kind of way. It always seemed like a given step on his life path, once he finished with school and became recognized as an adult - something expected by society and his parents as the norm, and Ren hadn’t questioned it. He’d always liked the idea of having a special, deep connection with someone important, an unbreakable bond of love.
Or maybe a blood oath, one stronger than all of the others he’s ever forged. No one else makes Ren feel the way Akechi does - he knows, down to the marrow of his bones, that they belong together. Fate may or may not have anything to do with it, but it is without a doubt Ren’s choice to be with Akechi, now and for as long as his heart continues to beat.
They are both still so young, and they will both soon face another impossible choice. Nirvana, their destination, looms on the horizon, where a confrontation unlike any other awaits. If it’s to be their final destination, Ren is determined to arrive with no regrets, no unanswered what ifs.]
I didn’t actually mean right this minute. [He chuckles quietly and holds his rival close.] But … that’s a yes, right?
[He slumps in the embrace, just... letting Ren do as he will. This is all so heavy. Dizzying. Not bad, but... certainly more than he had ever imagined for himself.]
Heh. By the time we leave this place, we will have quite a bit to discuss with the others... How funny.
[He can just imagine Morgana grilling him, many shouts of "For real?!" and other such liveliness. Never a dull moment with the Phantom Thieves, really...]
[There is a moment before that yes is spoken, and it feels to Ren like it stretches out forever, suspended in time, finally broken by Akechi’s voice giving his answer. Yes. The relief that washes over him is a tidal wave, and Ren squeezes his eyes tightly shut to form a dam against the sudden threat of tears.]
I love you so much.
[His voice trembles more than he’d like, and he inhales a deep breath to steady himself.]
I hope you never get tired of hearing that, because I’ll never get tired of saying it.
[Brainlessly sentimental - yep, that’s him. And he won’t even pretend to be ashamed about it.]
You think they’ll believe us when we tell them everything we’ve seen here?
[Ren laughs quietly, but secretly, he’s pleased Akechi mentions the others - imagining himself in their midst and accepted, not as a focal point of their hatred. It’s a step forward.]
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undyingcrow) wrote2025-02-27 10:46 am
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route666rp IC Inbox
no subject
[It’s encouraging, Ren thinks, because it means Akechi isn’t going out of his way to avoid Haru, and he isn’t retreating into the darkness to brood on the past. He allows himself a tiny smile.]
I think you’ll like gardening. It’s peaceful … kind of like meditating, but you get to do stuff with your hands instead of just sitting still.
[Unless, of course, it’s not encouraging, because it means Akechi plans to beat himself up over the past by being around Haru. The evasiveness to his question is an old, worrisome habit, one Ren thought they’d moved past.
Gently, he adds:] You didn’t answer my question, though. Are you OK?
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[He hesitates, tenses. His feathers don't fluff too much, at least.]
I don't know how to handle her kindness. It seems... unwarranted.
[It's different with Ren. Ren's kindness is at least familiar. Something he's had time to slowly accept. Not so with Haru Okumura.]
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It feels kinda weird and wrong when people are kind to you, when you’re not used to it and don’t think you deserve it.
[Of course Ren’s experiences pale in comparison, but he too hesitated to accept friendship and kindness at the start of his year in Tokyo, followed as he was by the specter of his criminal record and the sharp, abrupt ostracization he faced in his hometown over the arrest and assault charges.]
Some people are kind for no other reason than they can be. Or they’re kind because they want to be different than the many people in the world who aren’t. Or, they fully understand that certain people have had to exist for too long in an unjust, unkind world, where they were manipulated and abused by the people who should’ve been taking care of them instead. So they’re kind because for them, that’s justice.
[Not to put too fine a point on it, of course. All of the Phantom Thieves came to better understand Akechi and his actions after the engine room in Shido’s Palace. If only Akechi could’ve heard the regrets they all expressed afterwards.]
You had a hard time accepting it when I first told you I love you - the first time, and a lot of times after that. But I haven’t had to argue my case in a while, right?
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[Though, truthfully, he does relax a little. Ren's words help ground him. Help cut through the irritatingly persistent doubts that cloud his mind in the moment.]
It's foolish. Why is it easier for me to accept love from someone I tried to kill than to accept the kindness of someone I orphaned? I suppose it's the permanence of the action. The fact that I succeeded.
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[A pillow to the face would be absolutely justified; that joke was terrible. But that’s another method Ren employs to ease tense situations - stupid jokes. Morgana had no idea how fitting Joker was for Ren’s code name when he suggested it.]
We had time before we got here, too. You were taking me on dates for months back in Tokyo - you getting to know me, your rival, while I was trying to figure you out. We already had a connection, but that took time to build.
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A connection further complicated by my role as the Black Mask, yet you still wormed your way through my defenses.
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[And it earns Akechi a little kiss on his cute little nose. Which nose is he wearing at the moment? Doesn’t matter - to Ren, they’re all equally cute.]
Seriously though, that’s my point - it takes time. It did with me, and it can with Haru, if you let her. No one expects either of you to instantly become friends, or for you to instantly accept her kindness.
[Haru may not know what Akechi’s lived through as well as Ren does, but she surely knows enough to recognize how difficult it must be for him to accept kindness after a lifetime of being shown the opposite. Ren’s confident she will have the patience Akechi needs to adjust his way of thinking about her and himself over time. She’s a gardener, after all.]
Maybe … you could start with being teammates? We may not be changing hearts here, but we still all have a common goal.
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Teammates I can handle. It's a dynamic I'm somewhat accustomed to.
[Not especially long, without betrayal at the forefront of his mind, but long enough.]
I just don't know how I'm supposed to 'atone.' I'm no necromancer.
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Ren shuts his eyes with a small sigh, allowing his thumb to trace a slow, gentle half-circle back and forth on Akechi’s back - touch that’s meant to be reassuring.]
I think … maybe, how you atone is by living. Not in the shadows - out in the open. Doing as much good as you can with your days - not because it erases the past, nothing can do that - but because it’s the right thing to do.
[His eyes open again and he gives his more-than-rival a hint of a smile.]
That’s what I’d want from you, if I were in Haru’s position. And you’re already doing it.
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It's hard to simply... accept. His own guilt, his own self-loathing... They make things so complicated.]
I am, yes. But I wonder if that's truly enough...
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Will anything you do ever be enough for you?
[It’s said gently, but still meant to make a point. Akechi is, in many ways, his own harshest critic.]
I won’t pretend I have any way of grasping what it’s like for you to carry the weight of your past. But I love you, and I’ll help you carry it however I can, if you’ll let me.
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[But he does lean into the kiss, ears folding back. It's... difficult, admitting this much, even if it's surely clear as day.]
I think... I've never been able to love myself. Not since I lost her.
[He knows Ren loves him. He won't dispute that, but... It's difficult.]
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He pushes those thoughts away. Right now, he needs to focus on Akechi, not himself. His arm pulls a little tighter around the other boy - why can’t Ren fix this immense pain for him?]
You’re not a curse, Akechi. It wasn’t your fault.
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Rationally, I know. Emotionally... it's not so simple.
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[Emotions can be sticky, unpleasant things - they don’t respond to logic, and they can’t truly be controlled. Ren learned to manage his own by masking with jokes, by redirecting focus on others. He hasn’t forgotten their duel months ago where he tried to provoke Akechi to end his life instead of simply talking about how awful and worthless and empty he felt.
It’s hard to talk about emotions. But Akechi is trying - opening up to Ren, trusting him with those pieces of himself he’s kept guarded for so long. It makes Ren’s heart swell with affection for his more-than-rival.]
I love you. So much. I know it doesn’t make up for what you didn’t have for so long - I can’t change your past. But I love you now, and I’m going to keep loving you in the future. Doesn’t matter if it’s here, or back in Tokyo, or somewhere else entirely. No matter what we look like, no matter where we are, I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving you. Not even a god can change that.
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[His grip on Ren tightens. It's... comforting. He knows it. He knows Ren means every word, but hearing it so plainly is... overwhelming.
How does he process such immense adoration?]
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[He could say something like “I can’t imagine my life without you,” and he almost does, but he actually doesn’t need to imagine it - he already experienced it, both times he thought Akechi was dead. And Ren was decidedly not a fan of that version of his life.
Akechi gets a forehead kiss now. It’s OK to be overwhelmed with being truly adored - processing happens with time.]
I’ll stay with you forever, if you’ll let me - grow old with you, make curry for you any time you want it …
[Is this starting to sound a bit like a marriage proposal? Hm, it might be.]
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[It's easy to pick up on the implications. They aren't exactly subtle. Obviously, even in the event that they made it home unscathed, it wouldn't exactly be legal as anything more than a symbolic gesture.
They're both young. They've both lived through far more than anyone their age ought to.
Akechi... still struggles expressing softer, more sentimental feelings. That being said...]
I see no fault in such an arrangement.
[The others might, but that's neither here nor there. He can be greedy for now.]
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[Ren smiles into placing another soft kiss on his forehead.]
You’d really be OK with marrying a former convicted criminal?
[The symbolic nature is the entire point, in Ren’s eyes. He isn’t thinking about legal implications as viewed by society, or economic benefits, or social standing in a community. None of that applies out here in this alien land - the point of such a gesture would be in binding himself to Akechi in a lasting manner, another way of proving his sincerity for remaining at Akechi’s side, regardless of circumstances.]
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He cannot be serious right now.]
Ren. I quite literally helped a malicious political conspiracy and have caused undue mental duress to many, while orphaning two of your friends.
[Not to mention the others he killed, but they don't matter as much in this instance.]
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But again, Ren pushes down his own insecurities, because Akechi is his focus, not himself. He keeps his tone light:]
Hm, that didn’t sound like a yes or a no. Let me try again.
[Once again, Ren brushes his lips against Akechi’s forehead, leaving a gentle kiss behind.]
Will you marry me?
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They're young. It's been less than a year since Ren declared his love. By all accounts this is moving incredibly fast, but... Hm.
Ren 'lost' him twice. Now they're here, stuck in a van that's developed a mind of its own, and facing an uncertain future. Their bodies have changed or are in the process of changing. They're lacking control in so many aspects of their lives.
But not this. It's a deeply personal choice.]
...Well, right now hardly seems like a practical time for it, but.
[...]
Eventually, I suppose. Preferably without being trapped in a rogue vehicle.
no subject
If they were still in their own world, this would be a move made entirely too fast, and Ren wouldn’t even consider asking such a question. The subject of marriage came up in discussion with the Phantom Thieves once, back in December, and he’d admitted to the desire to be married, in an abstract future someday kind of way. It always seemed like a given step on his life path, once he finished with school and became recognized as an adult - something expected by society and his parents as the norm, and Ren hadn’t questioned it. He’d always liked the idea of having a special, deep connection with someone important, an unbreakable bond of love.
Or maybe a blood oath, one stronger than all of the others he’s ever forged. No one else makes Ren feel the way Akechi does - he knows, down to the marrow of his bones, that they belong together. Fate may or may not have anything to do with it, but it is without a doubt Ren’s choice to be with Akechi, now and for as long as his heart continues to beat.
They are both still so young, and they will both soon face another impossible choice. Nirvana, their destination, looms on the horizon, where a confrontation unlike any other awaits. If it’s to be their final destination, Ren is determined to arrive with no regrets, no unanswered what ifs.]
I didn’t actually mean right this minute. [He chuckles quietly and holds his rival close.] But … that’s a yes, right?
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[He slumps in the embrace, just... letting Ren do as he will. This is all so heavy. Dizzying. Not bad, but... certainly more than he had ever imagined for himself.]
Heh. By the time we leave this place, we will have quite a bit to discuss with the others... How funny.
[He can just imagine Morgana grilling him, many shouts of "For real?!" and other such liveliness. Never a dull moment with the Phantom Thieves, really...]
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I love you so much.
[His voice trembles more than he’d like, and he inhales a deep breath to steady himself.]
I hope you never get tired of hearing that, because I’ll never get tired of saying it.
[Brainlessly sentimental - yep, that’s him. And he won’t even pretend to be ashamed about it.]
You think they’ll believe us when we tell them everything we’ve seen here?
[Ren laughs quietly, but secretly, he’s pleased Akechi mentions the others - imagining himself in their midst and accepted, not as a focal point of their hatred. It’s a step forward.]
(no subject)